My Memory of Aunt Anita

   

     This blog is about my Aunt Anita who passed away November 17^th.  She was a person that had so much compassion and never judged. She was a person that could just find happiness in everything. I have several little stories that I want to write down before I forget them.

     First story takes me back to when I was a young girl. When the Bountiful temple house happened. We had Grandpa and Grandma Martin staying in Utah. I remember we had plans to meet up with Aunt Anita and Uncle Bob and they would be bringing my grandparents with them. They were late, and I remember my dad and Aunt Anita got in a small argument. We all ended up going through the temple and then we were to drive the grandparents back to Blackfoot, Idaho that night. I remember it was a few days later that my dad had to drop something off to aunt Anita house. I was with him and I remember she wanted to talk about what happened and asked for my dad for forgiveness for the spat they had. She showed example of not letting thing fester and not to have anger. My dad and her hugged, and it was amazing thing to watched.  

          

     Another story take place when I was a little older in Young Women’s in my church. I was working on my Young Women’s medallion. I was focusing on Faith. I had asked several members of my family to share a story of when they had to have faith to put in my book that I was making. Aunt Anita told me an amazing story that I still have packed away in a box. But the summary of her story was her desire to have children. She had several miscarriages I think it was 15. She said at first, she was angry but then it turns to having the most desire to have Faith that God know what he is doing and that she would have children one day. After each one she said that she would just pray and continued to have faith. She said it was better to have faith then to have anger. She said that in having faith she was able to have her two children that she loves and adores so much today. She taught me a lot about faith through that story that anger doesn’t get you very far.

     The last story take place when I came early from my mission. That was probably the biggest struggle that I was dealing with.  I didn’t want to come home at all but needed to. She was the first person to email me from all my family members. She Reminded me of love and that she did not judge at all. I was harder on myself and judge myself more than anyone in my family. In fact, looking back none of my family judge me. But she said the following:

Welcome home, good and faithful servant. We are all so proud of you. We will give you a week or two to rest then we want to see and visit with you.  We love you Uncle Bob and Aunt Anita and household.

She did give me a big Hug. She was an example, to me in showing love to all and not judge.

     She was always happy no matter what situation she was in. she found ways to be happy and positive. One of my fondest memory of her is every thanksgiving she would give each of her nieces and nephew a book. The best books were from her. My favorites that I got from her was “100 dresses” and first three books of “Anne of Green Gables.” There are so many other books I cannot remember all the names.

I Love you Aunt Anita!

Enjoy the Ride

What do I do to help me get refocused? Cycling is one of those tools that I used to help me.  I had one goal today was to keep my average speed at 15 mph. This is really hard to do when riding by your self. But I managed to stay strong and positive and made my goal. While riding though I had some thoughts about life. I was very much focused on what does it really mean to "enjoy the ride"? Life has it ups and downs. However there are things that can be learned in the ups and downs.

Life is like cycling in a way. It can either be fast or slow, it can even be easy and very hard. Today ride I would have to say it  was easy except  in a few places. Same with life. But its how we look at life. My life currently is not were I have vision my life to be at age 31.

Currently I do not like my job, I am single, and I thought I would be further along in my goals and dreams. But sometimes we tend to create havoc that set us back so we have to climb hill again. This week has been a climb. A very long climb and still is climbing. However, I am almost at the top of this hill. But in order for me to also make it up this hill I have to make some sacrifices to be able to "enjoy the ride".

First I had to make a conscious decision that I am going let go all the negatives that I see about my job and only talk about the positives. I told my parents and some of my friends that if I start to talk negative about work or about my job etc. that they are to stop me and remind me that I must only speak about the positive that happen. Which would require me to actually think of a positive even though there may not be a lot of positive that are happening at work. My hope and goal is that by doing this that maybe I will start to love my job again.That is one major hill I had to face this last week.

Another hill I needed to face was Facebook. I knew I spend way too much time on Facebook. I had it on my phone and on my laptop. I would search friends and see all the great things they were doing and how many "likes" they would get on their comments. It would literally eat up my time and cause depression for me. Technology is great but it can be a hinder in our personal and daily lives.  Facebook used to be a tool for me to just keep in contact with my friends out of state that I do not see.  But that changed and was taking over my life. I would wake up in the morning and look at Facebook. I would have it open while I was at work. It was with me all the time. I  would look at my post to see if I had gotten any "likes" or comments I would only find a few. I would get sad and depress over this. Last week I realized how much my "life" was depended on people.

Finally two days ago I deleted it. It was so empowering to get of something that I had allowed me not to be able to "enjoy the ride" I now have so much time on my hands that I don't know what to do with. But I can tell you this more hobbies will be created or I will improve the hobbies I currently have. Just in the last two days my life has been happier. I was able to look up and can smell the roses. Its a wonderful feeling. 

 So are you "enjoying the ride"?  Have you let go things that will help you to be able to enjoy the ride? I know by me doing these two thing my day will be better. It may still be "bad" but I will be able to see more positive than the negative to "enjoy my ride". I may not be where I want to be at this age. But I certainly can be happier and maybe those goals that I have set will eventually come in my ride. But I have to let go the things that are preventing me from getting there. That is I need to learn to be happier with what I have now.

My awesome experience with Cathy Goldsmith

This last Tuesday had a rare opportunity to to meet Cathy Goldsmith. She was the publisher for some of Dr. Seuss's books. She was an amazing speaker. She mostly talked about publishing and writing books. However lot of it I can apply in my life now.

That the beginning of her lecture she talked about her experiences of working with Dr. Seuss. She told of a story about how he was turned down by 27 publishers before one finally said they will publish his work. She then told audience that no matter how many times you get turned down do not give up. You don't now when you will actually get one accepted. We can apply that in our real lives. I know I can not necessarily with writing books but with life in general.

 For example while I was living in New York going to school at RIT decided to be brave enough to try out for the swim team. Now I Never really swam in high school but I decided to go for it. I made the team to much of my surprise. I would go to swim practice twice a day getting up at 5 am and swimming until 7 and then in the afternoon would swim from 4-7. I wasn't the greatest swimmer. My first swim meet wasn't the best one either nor was my second one. I was probably the slowest swimmer on the team. Well my second swim meet was not my best. I can't remember what school we were competing against. But my event was the 200 yard backstroke. I was at my block watching the light to flash to tell me to jump off. I began to get really nervous as jumped off. I had all kind of thoughts going through my head like "why am I doing this? I am not a good swimmer etc." I am about 100 yard in and I had a full blown panic. I suddenly stopped and got out and told my coach I can't finish. I can tell on his face he was not happy. I wasn't happy either. I ended up breaking my first  pair of goggles that day because I was so mad at myself. The next morning I get to practice. Coach pulled me away from the rest of the team and gave me the best lecture I can ever received. He told me the reason that he  accepted me on the team because he saw some serious potential in me. I looked at him like you are the most insane person. He then asked me why I quit. I simply told him I panicked I didn't know what to do and I was scared because I am not the best swimmer. He said either I quit and walk out now or prove myself wrong and begin practice and do a little extra today. I ended up staying and made a promise that I was never ever stop in the middle of a race again or I am off the team. I made a choice right then and there to do it. It took several practices and several swim meets to finally win 1 place in my heat at State. My coach saw me failed but never gave up. I know its not quite the same way but I think that is what Cathy was saying. DO NOT GIVE UP! It amazed me to this day of how much I improved by sticking it out. OH sure I had lots of nervous panic attach in each of my swim meets, but I overcame them.

Another thing that Cathy talked about was how Dr. Seuss would have a moment of when he couldn't think of something to create he would turn to is other painting. I forgot what she called it but it was paining of lots of cats. She said each time he needed idea or lost of what to do he would go paint a cat. We do that in our owns lives we get stuck but do we really have an outlet to help us get our creative thinking on or out of the mud?.. Mine I usually take the time and go do photography. One time it was crazy hard day and I felt stuck and didn't have quite the idea of what to do next. It happened to be raining hard that day and I took my camera and my coat. I played in the rain and got some good pictures that day. Not only that I was able to get out of my "mud". We all have time in our life that we can't figure out how to get out of our rut. So my question to you what do you do when you are stuck in a rut?

The rest of the lecture about about his work and what books he published. She talked about how book writers need to never give up. Keep trying. She even gave the audience her personal email to have them send in their work and she will look it over. She was an amazing lady.

The Night before I was able to have dinner with her and a group of my coworkers. She was just fun to talk to and listen to her. I think my favorite part of the whole night is when she started talking about dutch oven with my coworker. One of the things she talked about how she got in the the big publishing company. It was by complete accident that she got the job when she did. I can't remember all the details. But it impressed me because took a situation and turned it into a great one. She she has had a great career.

I guess the point of this blog was a reflection of what I took from Cathy. I am not a writer but some of the points she made help me look back in my life to see when I might have given up. If Dr. Seuss gave up after 2 or 3 publisher he wouldn't have been a famous author of children books. If my coach had given up on me or I have given up myself I would have never made it to state and actually say that I swam on a college swim team.


Here to a year of not giving up! Keep trying!

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

― Dr. Seuss, Happy Birthday to You!  

"Keep Sailing" Photography by: Elizabeth Martin

When life seem hopeless

Life throws us so many trials and heartache that we sometimes don't want to face. But when we face them we become a better person. Sometimes we are even grateful what those trials and heartache brings to us.

That is what is happening with me in my life. I have had this huge huge mountain that I can't seem to get to the top of. It is really irritating that is seem so impossible. While I am on this mountain I have lost a few footing that have set me back. I would start again each time facing it alone. However I finally gotten to the point where I just can't do it alone. Took me some time to finally reach up and say help. That alone was a small mountain on my big mountain. Letting go of my pride and saying I need help. I finally did that. There are some heartache when I finally gave in. But at the same time I was lifted up. My mountain didn't seem so big anymore. It's still there but its not so terrifying to take another step.

"The Lighthouse" Taken By Elizabeth Martin 2014

Today at my church the lesson that was given was call " Meeting the challenges of Today World" By Elder Robert D. Hales. He states the following " The Lord will always keep His promise: "I will lead you along."(Doctrine and Covenants 78:18). The only question is will we let ourselves be led? Will we hear His voice of His servants?" I have been thinking about that quote today. I have been asking myself those questions. Am I allowing myself to be led by the Lord? Am I hearing His voice of His servants? Quite frankly no I haven't. I realized that in the last few weeks. I finally began to listen. Because I am listening I was able to hurled the small mountain on my big mountain. It hard to become humble and listen and do it. It was painful to see the outcome. But I think in the end its going to help me become stronger each day. Most of the time I can't see what is in front of me. But with the help of who I have reached out to it will become clear if I let it.

My hope for you that read this blog will see that in your own live. Do you have a mountain that you feel like is so impossible to clime. You can do it. Change the way you think, and reach for help.
We sometimes feel like God had left us. But in reality we have left God. We have stop listening because we have too much pride and we want to do it ourselves.

I was in the mood to sign a song I hope it helps you as it helped me listening to these words by Hilary Weeks. 

Looking Back 13 years

As I was driving home from work today I was thinking about my past. I realized its been 13 years and  one month since the day I found out that I had lost more hearing. Its been a long journey but a good one.

Lets do a recap from y previous blog. My parents found out I was hard of hearing when I was 18 months old. My left ear is completely deaf my right ear was 30% hearing lost. When I was 18 I went from 30% to 85% lost right around my 18th birthday.

Since then I have been looking back and its been an amazing journey.  Some heartache, some frustrations and some amazing things happened along the way. I have learned many things.

One thing I have learned is patience and understanding. Patience in learning a new language. Understanding a new culture that I learn to love and made it apart of me. Understanding my identity of who I am and still is growing. I have learn to value myself and gain confidence that no matter what changes happen I can face them.  I have learned to be in two worlds. Have I learned fully how to balance them not quite but I will get there eventually!

One of the amazing things I have accomplished is graduating college. I graduated in December of 2014. In Deaf Studies. I have learned so much about the culture, history, and Deafhood.Which I am still learning everyday.

Another great thing that has happened this year is getting a full time job. That was a hard process. A process I really don't want to go through again but will. I struggled with confidence of getting a full time job because of my deafness. I would always think that no one would hire me because I am deaf. But people told me otherwise. I have had many individuals in my life that I have to thank them for. Helping me realize my full potential. I had struggled with this because I had been looking for a full time job long before I graduated. Every time I would apply for a job I would get the routine letter of  "Thank you for your application, however we had fill the position." ( No in those exacts but pretty close to it.) It was really frustrating and irritating. But my hard work and friends who helped me not to give up I landed a great job. I am learning new things that increase my knowledge to help me in my future with other careers and Grad school.

Yes I am actually thinking about grad school. I hate study and I hate school. If i could go to school and learn without the grades, test, and homework then school would be great! I would not complain. But grad school is next on my list to help further my career.

I want to send a special thanks to my family for helping me through the years. Thanks listening to me about the deaf culture, and the things that happen in my other world.

One thing I have learned and it make sense because of my love for photography. It match so well to what I have learned these past 13 years. One of my favorite quotes:

***Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important capture the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don't turn out - take another shot.***

Sunset at Delegate Arch 2015

Reflection

There are days when you just sit and think about life past, present, and future. Today was that day for me. Life take so many directions sometimes there are choices that we make that can affect present or even our future.

"Reflection"Taken By Elizabeth Martin (me)

 Copyright

Sometime when I reflect back in my life there are good things that has helped shaped who I am. There are some bad choices that I have made that has also shaped who I am. When I look in the mirror I have to decide to like the person that I see in the mirror. I have been thinking a lot about reflection and how it can be a positive thing.

"What do I want to see"Taken by: Elizabeth Martin Copy Right

Often when I reflect I would compare my life to others and say " there life is so much better than mine" or " they have it so easy. But in reality that is not the case. Sometimes we judge or compare before we even really know who that person is. Recently I was sitting in a church meeting someone made a comment about social media judging. She stated the following " On Facebook people will post what they want public and most of the time is about how their lives are really perfect, its never about how they are not perfect." But is that really reality? Often we and I will openly admit that I do this, that we compare our lives to their perfect posts etc. When we do that it has a cause and affect. For me I get in this state of jealously or even a small depression because I feel my life is not perfect. But again is that reality. We all have struggles that we don't want people to know about. 

So I was thinking how can a person stop comparing themselves or how can I stop comparing my life to others. First thing I was thinking, I have to like myself. I have to like what I see in the mirror every day. If I don't I will see how my life is so imperfect. There a song that I have loved since I was a little girl. It didn't really make sense to me what it means. But now that I am older I have been able to read "between the lines" of the lyrics. The lyrics as follows:

"Grandma Music Box" Elizabeth Martin Copyright

The Melody Within

"Music boxes have within
Melodies they carry with them;
Once they open, music fills the air.
Ev'ry person you have known
Has a song of their own;
Once they open up you'll hear what's there...

"Love" Elizabeth Martin Copyright

It's not easy,
You must listen
With your heart for what lies hidden!

There was a melody
Locked deep inside of me;
But now it's free!
It found a place embraced by harmony, sweet harmony.
Love, more than anything,
Teaches our hearts to sing!
Only love can break the spell,
Now I know very well
The love within myself.

There was a melody
Locked deep inside of me;
But now it's free!
It found a place embraced by harmony, sweet harmony.
Love, more than anything,
Teaches our hearts to sing!
Only love can break the spell,
Now I know very well
The love within myself."

Michael McLean
Rigoletto Soundtrack

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/michael-mclean/the-melody-within-lyrics/#ApppZCesfK1QzBrm.99

"Grandma" Elizabeth Martin Copyright

Did you see what I saw in those lyrics? It is love. I have to love myself for who I am. I am not perfect. I have realize that that I am not the only imperfect person on the planet. The more I love myself the more I will be able to see my reflection of my past, present and future in a more positive light. It is human nature to judge ourselves but if we want to change we have to do what the song says and that is to love ourselves we can break that cycle and be free.

As I was thinking about this. I remember my grandmother's music box. She has passed away several years ago. But what I do remember about her is her love she has for anyone, I don't remember her ever judging anyone or even gossiping about anyone. Mind you I was little. But from my memory my grandma did love herself she had a harmony that was so sweet and loving that she was that way.  Because of that she was able to worry about other people and make sure they were okay.

"Tulip" Elizabeth Martin Copyright

I struggle with an addiction. I am learning more and more that if I don't have love for myself the more I look in the mirror and hate who I am. Which then leads to me turning to my addiction. I have found however, when I stop comparing my life to others, when I look in the mirror and think positively about who I am accept who I am. I am able to fight the addiction much better often times I am "sober" for a longer period of time.

"Lilies" taken by Elizabeth Martin Copyright

So when you reflect do you see positive or do you see more negative? Do you love yourself for who you are or hate what you see in the mirror everyday? Think of it this way. We are born to grow just a like a flower. We struggle during that growth but in the end we are a flower that is beautiful and able to hide the flaws of what we struggle with. No one can see unless we tell them. But when it time for the flower to die we have to let the memory go to the past. But we must put behind the struggle and failure. We should focus on what the struggle help mold us to be perfect for that moment or the perfect flower. We then start over again and again until we have master that perfection that we want in that area we struggle with. 

I will end this blog with a quote from Abraham Lincoln " IF you look for the bad in people expecting to find it you will." That goes for the same for individual. If you really want to look for negative in you or in anyone you will find it. Even if they are showing such positive things on Facebook. Find the positive and you will be much happier.

FYI: The photographs were taken by me..

The postive of being deaf :)

Today was one of those days where my life was just crazy. Everything was just bugging me. Everything was just not going my way for the last several months. I have graduated from school struggling to find a full time job. I just feel like life is just tumbling down. Well today I learned that all is not lost. I just have take some quite time. Being deaf allows that to happen quite easily.

After a morning of just feeling pity for myself and feeling hopelessness I decided its time for me to do something about that. I looked outside and it was raining. I decided to go put my rain boots on and go play in the rain. I did just that. By doing that I left my cell phone home and my hearing aid. Grab a coat and my awesome camera.

Out in the rain I took some awesome pictures. But while I was taking my short walk and had absolutely no noise I was able to really analyze my life. I took this moment to talk to my God. This is not a normal prayer but a conversation with Him. While I was taking pictures I was also admiring the beautiful  creation that God had created around me. Having the silence allows me to do that. I didn't have to worry about some person driving their car and whistle at me. I was in my own world.

While I was talking to my Heavenly Father the thought came to my mind "Be still things will be okay" immediately after that thought the song came to my mind "Be Still My Soul". I had the awesome felling that everything will be okay.

I have to say taking pictures on a raining day was amazing! These were probably my best photography pictures I have done in a long time

I know that my Heavenly Father lives. I am also learning to put my trust in my Heavenly Father. Sometime we just have to pause and take the distractions of the world behind us and just focus on what is important.  God lives so does his Son Jesus Christ. Mother Nature proves that.