Reflection

There are days when you just sit and think about life past, present, and future. Today was that day for me. Life take so many directions sometimes there are choices that we make that can affect present or even our future.

"Reflection"Taken By Elizabeth Martin (me)

 Copyright

Sometime when I reflect back in my life there are good things that has helped shaped who I am. There are some bad choices that I have made that has also shaped who I am. When I look in the mirror I have to decide to like the person that I see in the mirror. I have been thinking a lot about reflection and how it can be a positive thing.

"What do I want to see"Taken by: Elizabeth Martin Copy Right

Often when I reflect I would compare my life to others and say " there life is so much better than mine" or " they have it so easy. But in reality that is not the case. Sometimes we judge or compare before we even really know who that person is. Recently I was sitting in a church meeting someone made a comment about social media judging. She stated the following " On Facebook people will post what they want public and most of the time is about how their lives are really perfect, its never about how they are not perfect." But is that really reality? Often we and I will openly admit that I do this, that we compare our lives to their perfect posts etc. When we do that it has a cause and affect. For me I get in this state of jealously or even a small depression because I feel my life is not perfect. But again is that reality. We all have struggles that we don't want people to know about. 

So I was thinking how can a person stop comparing themselves or how can I stop comparing my life to others. First thing I was thinking, I have to like myself. I have to like what I see in the mirror every day. If I don't I will see how my life is so imperfect. There a song that I have loved since I was a little girl. It didn't really make sense to me what it means. But now that I am older I have been able to read "between the lines" of the lyrics. The lyrics as follows:

"Grandma Music Box" Elizabeth Martin Copyright

The Melody Within

"Music boxes have within
Melodies they carry with them;
Once they open, music fills the air.
Ev'ry person you have known
Has a song of their own;
Once they open up you'll hear what's there...

"Love" Elizabeth Martin Copyright

It's not easy,
You must listen
With your heart for what lies hidden!

There was a melody
Locked deep inside of me;
But now it's free!
It found a place embraced by harmony, sweet harmony.
Love, more than anything,
Teaches our hearts to sing!
Only love can break the spell,
Now I know very well
The love within myself.

There was a melody
Locked deep inside of me;
But now it's free!
It found a place embraced by harmony, sweet harmony.
Love, more than anything,
Teaches our hearts to sing!
Only love can break the spell,
Now I know very well
The love within myself."

Michael McLean
Rigoletto Soundtrack

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/michael-mclean/the-melody-within-lyrics/#ApppZCesfK1QzBrm.99

"Grandma" Elizabeth Martin Copyright

Did you see what I saw in those lyrics? It is love. I have to love myself for who I am. I am not perfect. I have realize that that I am not the only imperfect person on the planet. The more I love myself the more I will be able to see my reflection of my past, present and future in a more positive light. It is human nature to judge ourselves but if we want to change we have to do what the song says and that is to love ourselves we can break that cycle and be free.

As I was thinking about this. I remember my grandmother's music box. She has passed away several years ago. But what I do remember about her is her love she has for anyone, I don't remember her ever judging anyone or even gossiping about anyone. Mind you I was little. But from my memory my grandma did love herself she had a harmony that was so sweet and loving that she was that way.  Because of that she was able to worry about other people and make sure they were okay.

"Tulip" Elizabeth Martin Copyright

I struggle with an addiction. I am learning more and more that if I don't have love for myself the more I look in the mirror and hate who I am. Which then leads to me turning to my addiction. I have found however, when I stop comparing my life to others, when I look in the mirror and think positively about who I am accept who I am. I am able to fight the addiction much better often times I am "sober" for a longer period of time.

"Lilies" taken by Elizabeth Martin Copyright

So when you reflect do you see positive or do you see more negative? Do you love yourself for who you are or hate what you see in the mirror everyday? Think of it this way. We are born to grow just a like a flower. We struggle during that growth but in the end we are a flower that is beautiful and able to hide the flaws of what we struggle with. No one can see unless we tell them. But when it time for the flower to die we have to let the memory go to the past. But we must put behind the struggle and failure. We should focus on what the struggle help mold us to be perfect for that moment or the perfect flower. We then start over again and again until we have master that perfection that we want in that area we struggle with. 

I will end this blog with a quote from Abraham Lincoln " IF you look for the bad in people expecting to find it you will." That goes for the same for individual. If you really want to look for negative in you or in anyone you will find it. Even if they are showing such positive things on Facebook. Find the positive and you will be much happier.

FYI: The photographs were taken by me..

The postive of being deaf :)

Today was one of those days where my life was just crazy. Everything was just bugging me. Everything was just not going my way for the last several months. I have graduated from school struggling to find a full time job. I just feel like life is just tumbling down. Well today I learned that all is not lost. I just have take some quite time. Being deaf allows that to happen quite easily.

After a morning of just feeling pity for myself and feeling hopelessness I decided its time for me to do something about that. I looked outside and it was raining. I decided to go put my rain boots on and go play in the rain. I did just that. By doing that I left my cell phone home and my hearing aid. Grab a coat and my awesome camera.

Out in the rain I took some awesome pictures. But while I was taking my short walk and had absolutely no noise I was able to really analyze my life. I took this moment to talk to my God. This is not a normal prayer but a conversation with Him. While I was taking pictures I was also admiring the beautiful  creation that God had created around me. Having the silence allows me to do that. I didn't have to worry about some person driving their car and whistle at me. I was in my own world.

While I was talking to my Heavenly Father the thought came to my mind "Be still things will be okay" immediately after that thought the song came to my mind "Be Still My Soul". I had the awesome felling that everything will be okay.

I have to say taking pictures on a raining day was amazing! These were probably my best photography pictures I have done in a long time

I know that my Heavenly Father lives. I am also learning to put my trust in my Heavenly Father. Sometime we just have to pause and take the distractions of the world behind us and just focus on what is important.  God lives so does his Son Jesus Christ. Mother Nature proves that.

Just because I can!!!

Today was great day! Church was amazing. This morning I listen to a song called "Come Unto Him". I think I listened to it more than 10 times today. It is that great of a song. So because of that I decided to sign it. Its my first time signing a song in front of a camera. I hope it will touch your heart as much it touched mine today.

The first video is me signing to the song.
The second video is the actual music with lyrics

http://youtu.be/6mmg_0vereA
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCoUMAfTVic

Dating life as a Hard of Hearing Individual

Dating life is hard for a person like me who can be both in the hearing and deaf world. Let me explain why that is...

First of all dating in general is hard for any person.  Today guys just don't want to date. For whatever reason they just like to "hang out".  I don't understand why . However  a person like me it even harder to date. 

First thing I am ask by multiple of people is "why don't I date deaf guys.  Most of the time I do not answer. Well I am going to answer to why it's hard to date a deaf guy.

1. For whatever reason  deaf guys like to date hearing girls. I do not understand this concept. If anyone can explain to me why I am on all ears.

2.  Deaf guys that are my age are either  on social security income and don't feel that getting a job  or getting an education is important. Or they are just like hearing guys in general don't want to date just "hangout".

3. A part of me is scared to date a deaf guy because my family can't communicate with him. Therefore he would not want to go to family functions (Which my family has a lot of). I do not want to become isolated

4. There is not a lot of deaf guys out here or maybe I haven't found the right one..

Now am I completely against dating  A deaf guy? No.. I want a guy who is able to be independent not have to depend on family for money or SSI or SSDI. I think it's important to marry a guy who has an education. I want a guy who able to communicate to me as well as my family.

Dating a hearing guy is just as hard as dating a deaf guy.

1. When Hearing guys find out that I am deaf or hard of hearing they do not talk much during the date even though I have told them I do well with lip reading and one on one .

2. They ask if I ever get married would I require my husband to sign. I said it would be nice because I can't hear when my hearing aid is out or in situations where it is hard for me to hear.. I see fear in their eyes. 

Just talk normal. 

3. One of my biggest pet peeves about dating hearing guys is they over enunciate. Seriously!!!!

4.  Another thing that I don't like but understand why. They always  ask "were you always deaf" " How much can you hear". For once on a first date I don't want to talk about deafness or "My Life Story" I just want a normal date.  What is a normal date? Maybe there is't a normal date.  I understand they want to know and why so they can communicate better with me. But sometimes I get tired of that question. 

5. Another pet peeves the first date is a movie. Seriously let's get to know each other instead of silent. When we get out of the movie they ask me "Did you like the movie"  and they start talking about the parts that I couldn't understand because I couldn't read lips of the characters  in the movie.  When there is nothing left to talk about they drop me off and say "I had a good time let's do this again".  I have come to the conclusion when the say that they are just being polite because they never call. I know they don't like me because I am deaf or they are scared because they don't know what to do.

I just want to be treated like every normal hearing person. Is that too hard to ask??? I talk , I may have a slight deaf accent. But for whatever reason the minute I say "hey I am deaf/hard of hearing I just need you to look at me when you talk" everything changes.  Just because of one simple request. 

So it is hard for a person who lives in two worlds to date because we are not we are completely deaf. That seem to get the attraction of deaf guys. We are not completely hearing therefore the hearing guys don't know what to do with us.

Part 2

*"Never allow anyone to define you!

 Just be YOU!  *

                  - Chrys Phillips

*People would think I am happy after going to NTID. I wish I could tell you that is the case. But in reality I only became more confuse when I moved back home with my family. I went from accepting that I am deaf and introducing myself as a deaf person not as a hard of hearing person to a person who didn’t know who I was. Coming from a Deaf world to a hearing world. 

As I was trying to sort through my thoughts and my feelings. My family is trying to understand the new me. I was signing pretty well. My family was trying to understand how to work with this "new me".  I know there was a lot of mix feelings. When I came home I was different person. You would think I was a happier person. But I wasn’t. I was constantly on my toes. I know that my family was walking on egg shells with me. Being careful of what they say around me. I been attending a Deaf ward with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was signing trying to do better every day. But for whatever reason I was trying to figure out everything. 

Shortly after I came home from my mission I was even more different according to my siblings. A little side note about my family. I am the second oldest of six children. There are four girls and two boys. My siblings told me that I became more demanding that things go my way because I am deaf. They also said I was very different from my old personality they didn’t like me so much. 

I started attending school. I decided to major in Deaf Studies.  I am learning more and more about deaf culture. I was feeling more and more caught in-between worlds. I felt I didn’t belong in either world. In the hearing world I felt that I was more accepted because of how well I talked. But at the same time there some times if felt so out of place. I had a hard time finding jobs other than life guarding and teaching swim lessons. A lot of hearing would tell me I should get on SSDI or SSI. I refuse. They tell me it would be easier than trying to find a job. I was frustrated that they thought I couldn’t possibly amount anything that a hearing person could. I felt they thought I could not be independent. This made me even angrier.

As I said I was in the deaf studies program. I was learning the culture. I was learning about Identity. I was learning about oppression. Most importantly I was learning about discrimination. I was be around the deaf world. Hanging out with deaf friends learning from them. But something began to change inside of me. I began question me. I began question who I really was and who I really wanted to become. I began to see that I felt like I didn’t fit in the Deaf world. Never did. I have been told that I am not deaf enough and that I don’t sign well. Often times I felt that I wasn’t good enough to amount to anything. 

I began to feel annoy about how the deaf world make it a priority that they identify themselves deaf first after they have introduce their name. I felt like that is not how I view myself. I remember this one time in class we were all introducing ourselves. Everyone was stating their name and their major. There were a few deaf in my class they stated their name, their major, and finally they ended with “I AM DEAF”. Well when it came to my I decide I am just like everyone else whether I am deaf or not. I know it’s in a deaf friendly environment so why should I say that I am Deaf. So I stated my name, where I am from, and my major. The teacher looked at me and asked if I was deaf. She known me for years and I looked at her and said yes. She then replied saying “Well then say that be Proud you are deaf”. I started thinking. I am, so why should I have to introduce myself every time saying I am deaf. 

I didn’t like that. I wanted to be me. Deafness is only a small part of me. I was torn inside. My family is hearing. They don’t sign. They don’t fully understand. I was torn. Who am I? what the big question for me. I live on a “fence”. Living on a “fence” is the most confusing place to be. How in the world did I come to the conclusion that it is okay to be on the “Fence” and to be okay with living in two world? 

Well recently there was a deaf event at school. It is call Deaf Studies Today. At the two day conference there are several deaf individuals there that are different and well known. Normally when I go to this event I don’t go to the whole thing I just do an hour of volunteer and that is it. But several teachers who knew of my turmoil of confusion encourage me to go to the whole thing and to meet other deaf individuals. I decided to pay to go to the whole thing. I am glad I listened. It was the best two days ever. This is a post that I did on Facebook about this event.  “Had the most awesome day at Deaf Studies Today Conference at UVU!!!! It’s been fun to chat with Carol Padden and a few other amazing Deaf people. I come to realize it is okay to be in both worlds! I am proud to be Deaf and Hearing, I love being bi-culture!”

I came to realize that these deaf individuals do not care. I think the reason why I struggled with it is because of what was taught in my major. Not only but how I have been treated when I came back to Utah. I have decided to be ME!

I am Elizabeth who is a daughter to both my parents and to my Heavenly Father. I am a sister, aunt, and most importantly I am ME. I am a student. I am a Child of God. I am loving. I have two languages. I live in two worlds. That is pretty cool *