Part 2

*"Never allow anyone to define you!

 Just be YOU!  *

                  - Chrys Phillips

*People would think I am happy after going to NTID. I wish I could tell you that is the case. But in reality I only became more confuse when I moved back home with my family. I went from accepting that I am deaf and introducing myself as a deaf person not as a hard of hearing person to a person who didn’t know who I was. Coming from a Deaf world to a hearing world. 

As I was trying to sort through my thoughts and my feelings. My family is trying to understand the new me. I was signing pretty well. My family was trying to understand how to work with this "new me".  I know there was a lot of mix feelings. When I came home I was different person. You would think I was a happier person. But I wasn’t. I was constantly on my toes. I know that my family was walking on egg shells with me. Being careful of what they say around me. I been attending a Deaf ward with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was signing trying to do better every day. But for whatever reason I was trying to figure out everything. 

Shortly after I came home from my mission I was even more different according to my siblings. A little side note about my family. I am the second oldest of six children. There are four girls and two boys. My siblings told me that I became more demanding that things go my way because I am deaf. They also said I was very different from my old personality they didn’t like me so much. 

I started attending school. I decided to major in Deaf Studies.  I am learning more and more about deaf culture. I was feeling more and more caught in-between worlds. I felt I didn’t belong in either world. In the hearing world I felt that I was more accepted because of how well I talked. But at the same time there some times if felt so out of place. I had a hard time finding jobs other than life guarding and teaching swim lessons. A lot of hearing would tell me I should get on SSDI or SSI. I refuse. They tell me it would be easier than trying to find a job. I was frustrated that they thought I couldn’t possibly amount anything that a hearing person could. I felt they thought I could not be independent. This made me even angrier.

As I said I was in the deaf studies program. I was learning the culture. I was learning about Identity. I was learning about oppression. Most importantly I was learning about discrimination. I was be around the deaf world. Hanging out with deaf friends learning from them. But something began to change inside of me. I began question me. I began question who I really was and who I really wanted to become. I began to see that I felt like I didn’t fit in the Deaf world. Never did. I have been told that I am not deaf enough and that I don’t sign well. Often times I felt that I wasn’t good enough to amount to anything. 

I began to feel annoy about how the deaf world make it a priority that they identify themselves deaf first after they have introduce their name. I felt like that is not how I view myself. I remember this one time in class we were all introducing ourselves. Everyone was stating their name and their major. There were a few deaf in my class they stated their name, their major, and finally they ended with “I AM DEAF”. Well when it came to my I decide I am just like everyone else whether I am deaf or not. I know it’s in a deaf friendly environment so why should I say that I am Deaf. So I stated my name, where I am from, and my major. The teacher looked at me and asked if I was deaf. She known me for years and I looked at her and said yes. She then replied saying “Well then say that be Proud you are deaf”. I started thinking. I am, so why should I have to introduce myself every time saying I am deaf. 

I didn’t like that. I wanted to be me. Deafness is only a small part of me. I was torn inside. My family is hearing. They don’t sign. They don’t fully understand. I was torn. Who am I? what the big question for me. I live on a “fence”. Living on a “fence” is the most confusing place to be. How in the world did I come to the conclusion that it is okay to be on the “Fence” and to be okay with living in two world? 

Well recently there was a deaf event at school. It is call Deaf Studies Today. At the two day conference there are several deaf individuals there that are different and well known. Normally when I go to this event I don’t go to the whole thing I just do an hour of volunteer and that is it. But several teachers who knew of my turmoil of confusion encourage me to go to the whole thing and to meet other deaf individuals. I decided to pay to go to the whole thing. I am glad I listened. It was the best two days ever. This is a post that I did on Facebook about this event.  “Had the most awesome day at Deaf Studies Today Conference at UVU!!!! It’s been fun to chat with Carol Padden and a few other amazing Deaf people. I come to realize it is okay to be in both worlds! I am proud to be Deaf and Hearing, I love being bi-culture!”

I came to realize that these deaf individuals do not care. I think the reason why I struggled with it is because of what was taught in my major. Not only but how I have been treated when I came back to Utah. I have decided to be ME!

I am Elizabeth who is a daughter to both my parents and to my Heavenly Father. I am a sister, aunt, and most importantly I am ME. I am a student. I am a Child of God. I am loving. I have two languages. I live in two worlds. That is pretty cool *