My Story Part One

How I feel about Deafness... 

Here my thoughts on deafness… It shouldn't define who I am. It shouldn't be a prideful thing. Yes I am deaf but only for a short while. I should be working towards defining myself as a daughter of God. Yes, I am happy and should have a good attitude while working through this physical trial that I have been given. I was given this trial to learn how to see overcome obstacles that deafness has given me.  Deafness does not define who I am. I am a person who loves my family. My family helps defined who I am.  Not only does my family but my friends. Deafness is only a small part of who I am. 

My story…

I was born hard of hearing.  I was born with my left ear completely deaf and my right ear with a 30 percent hearing loss.  I was finally fitted with a hearing aid when I was three. My parents decided that it was best for me to learn how to talk than signing. They felt it was best because of how much I could hear. I went to the Deaf and Blind school in Utah for a year. There I learn how to talk and have good speech.

My parents decided to pull me out and do home school. To this day I am so grateful for my mom for teaching me how to read, write, and talk. Not only did she teach me all the academic stuff but she taught me that I can do whatever I wanted to do. She did not tell me I could only do certain things. She had me do piano lessons and encouraged me to learn to play the flute.

When I was 16 I became lifeguard and a swim instructor. I struggled with getting that job because I was hard of hearing. They were concern on how a hard of hearing person can hear the whistle or a person who is struggling. I told them to give me a two week trial. After that I became the best lifeguard they ever had. 

When I became 18 I was having a wonderful year. Until I notice something different with my hearing, it became quieter. I notice the piano sounds different. I notice my family voices did not sound the same. I had just gotten a new hearing aid. I felt like it wasn't working.  I went to the audiologist they figured it out they compared my hearing test and found that I had lost hearing. I went from 30 percent to 80-85 percent lost. I was in shock. Lost for words. 

That day driving home from the audiologist was really hard and a blur. I don’t remember talking much with my mom. I remember being really annoyed that I couldn’t hear what I wanted to hear. I remember feeling like what am I supposed to do.  I was running question after questions through my head. For example, how did this happen, why is this so sudden, why now? Etc. I felt so alone. Because I knew my parents had no idea what I felt like. 

My parents and I began to do some research on Cochlear implants. Not only that they were trying to track down my favorite audiologist that I saw since I was 3 years old. I was seeing doctors after doctors. I was getting sick of it. I hate going to doctors. We went to Cochlear implant doctors asking questions.  We were trying to figure out what the next step would be.

At this point I had given up playing the flute, the piano and even the guitar. I had acted like everything was okay. I shut everyone out about how I was feeling inside. I was not happy. I was sad. Everyone around me was trying to make accommodations for me. I acted like that was okay but really inside of me I felt like I had lost my independence. They were trying to do what they felt was best. Not only was I shutting people out. I lost friends. I became different to them. Most of all I think they didn’t know how to interact with me because I couldn’t hear as well as I used to. I wanted to scream and shout but I didn’t know how. I was lost.  

Luckily I found this great audiologist who cares about his patients. He found a great hearing aid that worked perfectly. I was still considering an implant. I applied for one with my insurance. My insurance turned me down. I was frustrated as to why they would do that. However, the more I got used to this hearing aid I had the more I realized I did not want cochlear implant. I didn't want to have to retrain my brain on how to speak. I hate speech therapy so why would I want to go through that again. Not only that I had a fear. That fear was if I do the surgery there is a potential that it might not work and I have lost all the hearing that I currently have.  Plus it didn't feel right to have one. So I decided not to get one. 

I am not against implants at all. But they are not for everyone. Everyone has a choice and I chose not to get one. Eventually I started taking sign language classes through the community. I wasn’t really learning much. I really wasn’t using it much because I had not practice.

In 2005 I decided to make a move. I moved to Buffalo, New York. I wanted a new start. I wanted to find something new. I did. I found a school NTID: National technical institute for the Deaf. I did a tour with my Aunt. I felt at home the minute I touch campus. I met teacher that were signing. I met some students who were going through the exact same thing as me. I felt like finally I met people who understood. 

I was learning how to sign, I had deaf roommates and I had deaf teachers. For the first time I understood math because it was visual language. However, I became confuse again. Who am I? I am in a world that has a culture. At first I didn't know who I was. There was all this talk about identity how I should introduce myself etc. Slowly I began to accept that I am Deaf. I was happy. I felt normal. I didn’t have to hide anymore. I felt home. I felt like I was free because I felt secure in learning ASL to be able to communicate.