Part 2

*"Never allow anyone to define you!

 Just be YOU!  *

                  - Chrys Phillips

*People would think I am happy after going to NTID. I wish I could tell you that is the case. But in reality I only became more confuse when I moved back home with my family. I went from accepting that I am deaf and introducing myself as a deaf person not as a hard of hearing person to a person who didn’t know who I was. Coming from a Deaf world to a hearing world. 

As I was trying to sort through my thoughts and my feelings. My family is trying to understand the new me. I was signing pretty well. My family was trying to understand how to work with this "new me".  I know there was a lot of mix feelings. When I came home I was different person. You would think I was a happier person. But I wasn’t. I was constantly on my toes. I know that my family was walking on egg shells with me. Being careful of what they say around me. I been attending a Deaf ward with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was signing trying to do better every day. But for whatever reason I was trying to figure out everything. 

Shortly after I came home from my mission I was even more different according to my siblings. A little side note about my family. I am the second oldest of six children. There are four girls and two boys. My siblings told me that I became more demanding that things go my way because I am deaf. They also said I was very different from my old personality they didn’t like me so much. 

I started attending school. I decided to major in Deaf Studies.  I am learning more and more about deaf culture. I was feeling more and more caught in-between worlds. I felt I didn’t belong in either world. In the hearing world I felt that I was more accepted because of how well I talked. But at the same time there some times if felt so out of place. I had a hard time finding jobs other than life guarding and teaching swim lessons. A lot of hearing would tell me I should get on SSDI or SSI. I refuse. They tell me it would be easier than trying to find a job. I was frustrated that they thought I couldn’t possibly amount anything that a hearing person could. I felt they thought I could not be independent. This made me even angrier.

As I said I was in the deaf studies program. I was learning the culture. I was learning about Identity. I was learning about oppression. Most importantly I was learning about discrimination. I was be around the deaf world. Hanging out with deaf friends learning from them. But something began to change inside of me. I began question me. I began question who I really was and who I really wanted to become. I began to see that I felt like I didn’t fit in the Deaf world. Never did. I have been told that I am not deaf enough and that I don’t sign well. Often times I felt that I wasn’t good enough to amount to anything. 

I began to feel annoy about how the deaf world make it a priority that they identify themselves deaf first after they have introduce their name. I felt like that is not how I view myself. I remember this one time in class we were all introducing ourselves. Everyone was stating their name and their major. There were a few deaf in my class they stated their name, their major, and finally they ended with “I AM DEAF”. Well when it came to my I decide I am just like everyone else whether I am deaf or not. I know it’s in a deaf friendly environment so why should I say that I am Deaf. So I stated my name, where I am from, and my major. The teacher looked at me and asked if I was deaf. She known me for years and I looked at her and said yes. She then replied saying “Well then say that be Proud you are deaf”. I started thinking. I am, so why should I have to introduce myself every time saying I am deaf. 

I didn’t like that. I wanted to be me. Deafness is only a small part of me. I was torn inside. My family is hearing. They don’t sign. They don’t fully understand. I was torn. Who am I? what the big question for me. I live on a “fence”. Living on a “fence” is the most confusing place to be. How in the world did I come to the conclusion that it is okay to be on the “Fence” and to be okay with living in two world? 

Well recently there was a deaf event at school. It is call Deaf Studies Today. At the two day conference there are several deaf individuals there that are different and well known. Normally when I go to this event I don’t go to the whole thing I just do an hour of volunteer and that is it. But several teachers who knew of my turmoil of confusion encourage me to go to the whole thing and to meet other deaf individuals. I decided to pay to go to the whole thing. I am glad I listened. It was the best two days ever. This is a post that I did on Facebook about this event.  “Had the most awesome day at Deaf Studies Today Conference at UVU!!!! It’s been fun to chat with Carol Padden and a few other amazing Deaf people. I come to realize it is okay to be in both worlds! I am proud to be Deaf and Hearing, I love being bi-culture!”

I came to realize that these deaf individuals do not care. I think the reason why I struggled with it is because of what was taught in my major. Not only but how I have been treated when I came back to Utah. I have decided to be ME!

I am Elizabeth who is a daughter to both my parents and to my Heavenly Father. I am a sister, aunt, and most importantly I am ME. I am a student. I am a Child of God. I am loving. I have two languages. I live in two worlds. That is pretty cool *

My Story Part One

How I feel about Deafness... 

Here my thoughts on deafness… It shouldn't define who I am. It shouldn't be a prideful thing. Yes I am deaf but only for a short while. I should be working towards defining myself as a daughter of God. Yes, I am happy and should have a good attitude while working through this physical trial that I have been given. I was given this trial to learn how to see overcome obstacles that deafness has given me.  Deafness does not define who I am. I am a person who loves my family. My family helps defined who I am.  Not only does my family but my friends. Deafness is only a small part of who I am. 

My story…

I was born hard of hearing.  I was born with my left ear completely deaf and my right ear with a 30 percent hearing loss.  I was finally fitted with a hearing aid when I was three. My parents decided that it was best for me to learn how to talk than signing. They felt it was best because of how much I could hear. I went to the Deaf and Blind school in Utah for a year. There I learn how to talk and have good speech.

My parents decided to pull me out and do home school. To this day I am so grateful for my mom for teaching me how to read, write, and talk. Not only did she teach me all the academic stuff but she taught me that I can do whatever I wanted to do. She did not tell me I could only do certain things. She had me do piano lessons and encouraged me to learn to play the flute.

When I was 16 I became lifeguard and a swim instructor. I struggled with getting that job because I was hard of hearing. They were concern on how a hard of hearing person can hear the whistle or a person who is struggling. I told them to give me a two week trial. After that I became the best lifeguard they ever had. 

When I became 18 I was having a wonderful year. Until I notice something different with my hearing, it became quieter. I notice the piano sounds different. I notice my family voices did not sound the same. I had just gotten a new hearing aid. I felt like it wasn't working.  I went to the audiologist they figured it out they compared my hearing test and found that I had lost hearing. I went from 30 percent to 80-85 percent lost. I was in shock. Lost for words. 

That day driving home from the audiologist was really hard and a blur. I don’t remember talking much with my mom. I remember being really annoyed that I couldn’t hear what I wanted to hear. I remember feeling like what am I supposed to do.  I was running question after questions through my head. For example, how did this happen, why is this so sudden, why now? Etc. I felt so alone. Because I knew my parents had no idea what I felt like. 

My parents and I began to do some research on Cochlear implants. Not only that they were trying to track down my favorite audiologist that I saw since I was 3 years old. I was seeing doctors after doctors. I was getting sick of it. I hate going to doctors. We went to Cochlear implant doctors asking questions.  We were trying to figure out what the next step would be.

At this point I had given up playing the flute, the piano and even the guitar. I had acted like everything was okay. I shut everyone out about how I was feeling inside. I was not happy. I was sad. Everyone around me was trying to make accommodations for me. I acted like that was okay but really inside of me I felt like I had lost my independence. They were trying to do what they felt was best. Not only was I shutting people out. I lost friends. I became different to them. Most of all I think they didn’t know how to interact with me because I couldn’t hear as well as I used to. I wanted to scream and shout but I didn’t know how. I was lost.  

Luckily I found this great audiologist who cares about his patients. He found a great hearing aid that worked perfectly. I was still considering an implant. I applied for one with my insurance. My insurance turned me down. I was frustrated as to why they would do that. However, the more I got used to this hearing aid I had the more I realized I did not want cochlear implant. I didn't want to have to retrain my brain on how to speak. I hate speech therapy so why would I want to go through that again. Not only that I had a fear. That fear was if I do the surgery there is a potential that it might not work and I have lost all the hearing that I currently have.  Plus it didn't feel right to have one. So I decided not to get one. 

I am not against implants at all. But they are not for everyone. Everyone has a choice and I chose not to get one. Eventually I started taking sign language classes through the community. I wasn’t really learning much. I really wasn’t using it much because I had not practice.

In 2005 I decided to make a move. I moved to Buffalo, New York. I wanted a new start. I wanted to find something new. I did. I found a school NTID: National technical institute for the Deaf. I did a tour with my Aunt. I felt at home the minute I touch campus. I met teacher that were signing. I met some students who were going through the exact same thing as me. I felt like finally I met people who understood. 

I was learning how to sign, I had deaf roommates and I had deaf teachers. For the first time I understood math because it was visual language. However, I became confuse again. Who am I? I am in a world that has a culture. At first I didn't know who I was. There was all this talk about identity how I should introduce myself etc. Slowly I began to accept that I am Deaf. I was happy. I felt normal. I didn’t have to hide anymore. I felt home. I felt like I was free because I felt secure in learning ASL to be able to communicate.